So today as I stepped on the scale, the number told me I have now lost 31 pounds. I have gone years of struggling with a eating disorder. I would get over each bout, eat what ever like and then, back to being too heavy, too unhealthy. Every time I slipped back and began not to eat more than 400 calories and exercising like crazy,people first said, "Wow! You look awesome!" Then they said, " You have to eat, just don't worry about the food,eat what you want when you want." F#2K that shit. It creates a horrible battle in the mind of the person. : Get thin, get praised. Get better. Get heavy. Get ridiculed. Get sick again.Get thin. This cycle has hit me many,many times since I was 13. Being from a family of women of Cherokee,Scottish and Irish stock.(I count both my mother and fathers female relatives here.) I am not thin. Never will be. My sister instilled in me a hatred for my body.She made me feel ugly and worthless. She would say her insults in such a cheery voice no one else knew she hurt me, but she knew it. She began to starve herself,to make herself skinny, starting in elementary school. I came along. I was a normal thin child. Then,lots of things happened.
I began to eat whenever my mom would. I gained weight. I hit puberty and gained more weight.
My sister, would tell me, " I'd share my clothes with you but they'll never fit you."
"I'm beautiful.You know that. If you just lost weight, you'd look like me." Her stepson, who is 8 years younger than her, had friends come over to her house. They'd ask if she had sisters. She would tell me that if only I lost all that weight,they'd want to date me. My sister was 100 pounds at 5' 8". She had no breasts,or hips. Her period stopped. Her teeth broke off at the roots.
Yeah, on the outside shes beautiful, but inside she is toxic and full of self hate for her own body.
For years, my skinny sister was the ideal body and beauty I strove for. I'm three inches shorter than her. I just kept hoping I'd get there.
You can see how this twisted my relationship to food. At my heaviest I was over 279. I have not been that heavy in 15 years. (I'm 28).
Since my marriage, I'm happy. I'm healthy. And this last weight loss bit, was brought about by simply not eating or drinking anything but water after eight in the evening. None of the craziness as before. So maybe now I can reach my target weight. 130-145 is a healthy weight for my height and build. I'm a lot closer to that now. Hopefully, I'll succeed this time.Or get close.
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